What A Difference A Year Doesn't Make. And Does Make.

I think this was the day Scott was ready to have another baby...

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. But he started saying, "Let's have another one!" really early on.

However, I spent many of my days dealing with things like this...

and later this...

and thus, didn't feel ready to add another one into the mix for awhile. But as H&H approached two years old, things started getting pretty easy and I began to dream about what another one might be like.

If we had another boy would he look like Hudson? Or a girl be like Harper? Or completely different? Gosh, it would be such a breeze (heavy dreaming here) to take care of only ONE baby.

Scott and I have always said we wanted a big family. I know its a lot of work, especially when they're young. But we've just always thought that the returns far outweigh the costs. (My CPA husband is so proud of me right now for my financial analogy.)

Both of my parents are from bigger families. My dad is one of six kids and my mom one of four. This means that my sister and I grew up with A LOT of cousins and family around. And we love it. I love that feeling when you walk into a house that's filled with people you've known your whole life. So many stories. So many memories. The familiar laughs. The known hurts. 

When we did our IVF in 2007 and got pregnant with H&H, we actually had a total of seven embryos. (Out of the monstrous 52 eggs, we only exposed 20 to sperm. Thirteen of those eggs fertilized, and then seven continued growing to reach the blastocyst stage five days later.) Our first round, we just had the two of them implanted, so the other five remained cryopreserved. The plan being, when we were ready for another baby, we would go back and do the second part of IVF only: the embryo transfer.  (You might be weirded out by all this, but as I said here, it's become our normal. So just go with it.)

So once H&H turned two in May 2010, we were excited to be embarking on the whole journey again. Of course, you can't just walk in and have an embryo implanted into your uterus. Because even that would be too easy, right? There was an initial month of birth control to regulate everything. Then I had to repeat some tests and bloodwork to make sure nothing had changed in my uterus and I was still healthy. We did all that last summer and got the green light to proceed. 

In August 2010, I started the hormone cycle. For those really interested: the doctors want to make sure you don't ovulate and that your uterine lining is doing exactly what it should be doing when it should be doing it, so they take control of your hormone production through pills and shots. I took the meds for my cycle in August and we waltzed back in on September 9th, 2010 and had our third beautiful embryo implanted. (Just one this time!)  

On September 16th, 2010 I jumped the gun and took a home pregnancy test before my scheduled bloodtest. I could already tell what came to be true on the little stick. I was pregnant! (You have to wait several  LOOONG days for your body to adjust before a pregnancy test will be accurate.)

It had worked! We were obviously so excited. But it was short-lived. I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks 5 days along, and almost two weeks later at just 5 weeks 3 days, I had a miscarriage with that baby. 

It was really hard. I could write a novel on the disappointment, questions, confusion, and hurt. Lucky for you, I won't do that here. I'll just say that anytime a tragedy happens you always want to know why and be able to have something to point to and say, "That's what happened." Most of the time, in the toughest of life's circumstances, there's nothing to point to.

We knew that God was completely in control, and after several months of healing decided that we still had four embryos God had created awaiting us. So we picked ourselves up and started over. On January 28th, 2011 again we waltzed, somewhat less-gracefully this time, back in to have another embryo implanted. 

When we arrived we got the sad news from our embryologist that the first embryo they selected (our 4th embryo) didn't survive the thawing process. (I'll probably write a complete post soon on frozen embryos alone for all the fertility junkies out there. Because there's a lot more to say.) That was sad to hear, but the next embryo (#5) did survive and was successfully implanted. 

We impatiently waited the required waiting time and then on February 5th I got the news I had suspected: I wasn't pregnant this time. Another loss.

We were able to go ahead with that next cycle and try again. More estrogen pills. More progesterone dissolved in olive oil injected in my butt. And on February 28th, 2011 we drug ourselves this time back to the good ol' St. David's Fertility Surgery Center, greeted our nurses like old friends, and geared up for my fourth embryo transfer surgery. 

Again, sad news: the first embryo they had tried (#6) didn't survive the thaw either. We were down to our last one. Our very last embryo (#7) had done great and was ready to be implanted. Everything went fine and I found out I was pregnant on March 9th, 2011.

If you read this post than you know how it turned out. 

So it's weird to think back on where we were this time last year. Parents of two great kids with five embryos waiting in the wings. Now a year later, we look the same on the outside. A year hasn't made any difference in our family structure. Still parents of those two great kids. But we've been through the ringer this past year and look and feel completely different on the inside as a result. Not necessarily worse off, just in such a different place. 

It's only been a year but I feel like we're light years away from where we were. Different mentally as we think about our family's future. Different spiritually as the healing process has dominated our relationship with the Lord.  Different emotionally as we now mourn the loss of our babies and the lost hope of our embryos. But also different because everything we thought we had figured out got shaken up. And now we stand facing the future with no clue what God has in store for us. And that's kind of scary. But one of my favorite people once told me, "Even when it seems scary, there's no safer place to be than in the middle of God's will." 

So that's where we are this year. Praying that the God who has carried us through the toughest year of our lives will continue to show us His will and purpose for our family.