The Valley

I've always heard of people telling stories of real life experiences that felt like a dream. I never knew what that was like. Until last Wednesday.

I had dropped off the kids at school and then had to drive up to Round Rock for a doctor's appointment, my  9 week ultrasound check-up. My doctor works in Round Rock on Wednesday mornings, which is pretty inconvenient, but since my kids are in school that day, its just easier to do that. I made the 40 minute drive up and ran into the office, signed in, and grabbed a seat. All was right with the world.

The nurse called me back, got my weight and blood pressure and then took me to the exam room. I changed and hopped up on the table to wait for Dr. Vaughn.

He came in, we exchanged our greetings, and he grabbed the ever-popular internal ultrasound wand. I watched on the screen as our baby came into view. And then in a split-second my heart sank and I felt like I was going to puke. Dr. Vaughn was silent but he didn't have to say anything. I've had over a dozen pregnancy ultrasounds (this was already my third with this baby) and I know what that beautiful pulsating heartbeat looks like. And there wasn't one.

The room remained silent for awhile as Dr. Vaughn tried to get different views from different angles. Then he finally said, "I'm not getting a heartbeat. I'm sorry. This isn't good."

He eventually stopped the exam and started talking about different options, next steps, etc. I zoned out for a little bit and kept thinking, "this is just a dream. you're just dreaming." And then with the loudest voice in my head I kept shouting, "Wake up! Wake up!" But it didn't stop. I wanted desperately to rewind time just five minutes where I was back in the waiting room. Or just run from the room with my fingers in my ears and ignore the whole thing.

Basically, the pregnancy sac still looked great and was in place and all that. I hadn't had any bleeding or pain or anything either. And the baby measured 8 weeks 6 days, which was just the previous day. And since it happened after the 7 week mark, its most likely the baby's growth stopped due to a chromosome abnormality.

I had a second ultrasound that afternoon that confirmed it. So I had a D&C on Friday morning.

So that's where we are. The valley. We're obviously torn up and confused and angry and hurt...I've mentioned before it was a hard road to get to this baby. But it turns out that road has ended with more suffering instead of joy.

It's an interesting place to be: suffering. All at the same time I find myself so upset with God and what He's doing in my life. And yet all I can do is turn face-to-face with the God who is head over heels in love with me  and cry to Him. So I'm thankful for a God who can handle my anger and frustration. I don't have to come to Him with false praise. I can be real and messy and ugly and I still can't escape His love.

I really have been amazed at how God has extended so much love to me during this time. In the beginning He felt so distant. I felt so abandoned by Him. But my friend Amanda sent me an email after I told her what happened and she said this: "I hope your sweet husband and babies serve as a tangible reminder of how much God loves you..." And after reading that, it hit me so hard. The people God has put in my life are a tangible expression of His love to me. As I called all my close friends (including my mom and sister) and kicked off the conversation by bawling into the phone, "our baby doesn't have a heartbeat" every single one of them just sat on the phone and literally sobbed with me. It wasn't like they were just sad or felt bad for me. I don't know what I expected them all to do. But their care and love surpassed anything I expected. They were honestly hurting with me and coming alongside me, each in their own way encouraging me. It's such a heavenly love and I'm so thankful for God loving me through them.

There are two things I really want to touch on before I leave this alone (for now.) These truths have really been an instrument of peace to me and hopefully can be to anyone else who is suffering and questioning what God is doing.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9 I'll be honest. I can not fathom any goodness in losing our baby. But I'm clinging to this verse and knowing that His ways are higher than mine. It seems so backwards right now. But I can't doubt now what God has shown me over my whole life. The Message version says "...the way I think is beyond the way you think." This means that my thoughts are limited. What I think about this whole thing is just a fraction of the whole picture. God sees the eternal perfect plan and His mind is on that. And I can rest there.

Second is the idea of fairness. I really feel like its so unfair that we lost our baby. I understand and can see how God may be protecting us from having an unhealthy baby and blah blah blah. And I have praised Him for that. But then in the next breath I'm asking, "Why the hell couldn't you just make our baby healthy??" I guess part of me feels like its so unfair when there are 16 year-olds out there getting knocked up and its ruining their lives. But God has gently reminded me how life isn't fair. And if I'm honest, I'm grateful for that. Even though I don't feel like I deserve this hardship, I also in no way "deserve" all the blessings I've been given. In totality, life is severely unfair...to my advantage. Just the fact that I have a Savior who stands in my place and doesn't condemn but redeems my life from the pit is completely undeserving. And to top it off with this abundant life of rich blessings He's given me-its crazy. So I'm learning to thank God that life is unfair. I'm not saying that our suffering isn't legitimate, because it is. But I just can't hang with the "why me" attitude for long.

OK, I've rambled and vomited out way too many random thoughts and emotions for now. Just know that we are sad. We're disappointed. We're struggling. But we're doing it in the arms of a God who promises He is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31 and Joshua 1:5). "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him." (Romans 8:28)